Skyrim Mod:Bards College Expansion/Duel of Wit

The Duel of Wit is a verbal combat where each competitor takes turn slinging an insult at the other, which must reply with a retort.

Duelists can be encountered in inns and taverns, and know a partial selection of insults and retorts adapted to their skill level and cultural background. The cultural insults are opposed by pairs: Altmer duelists will never know the proper retort to a Nord insult, and Nord duelists will never know the retort to an Altmer insults. The other opposing pairs are Bosmer-Breton, Dunmer-Redguard, and Imperial-Orsimer. There are no Argonian or Khajiit duelists.

A duel takes four rounds, allowing for a draw. After five victories against duelists of the current rank, the player will be told to challenge the rank champion. A victory against the rank champion allows to access higher-ranked duelists.

Duelist Moniker	Wager	Rank Champion
Novice Naysayer	25	Fulgof
Apprentice Insulter	100	Cerulye
Journeyman Ridiculer	250	Gryf
Adept Belittler	500	Tadis
Master Taunter	1000	Nazzim
Legendary Offender	2500	Rogdul

In addition to random duelists and rank champions, special Duels of Wit can happen with three named characters: Loliah, Bjorn Skaldbeard, and Peras.

Players learn the Insults and Retorts that they hear used against them. In addition, they may learn some insults from receiving the notes Insults from Peras, given by Peras when asking him about the Duel of Wit, or Duel of Wit Rules from Helvana during the encounter with Loliah. There is no need to actually read the notes, so that the player does not need to leave the conversation to open the inventory. Players also have a chance to come up with an appropriate Retort on the spot, depending on their Speech skills.

Insult	Retort	Rank
I've met mudcrabs that sound smarter than you!	Conversing with crustaceans is preferable to the nonsense you spew.	Novice
I'd call you a witless worm, but I wouldn't want to insult worms.	An ironic statement from one who so pathetically squirms.	Novice
Your attempts at wit are as feeble as a farmhand's first love letter.	Write that Insult yourself? Such big words! Your vocabulary is getting better!	Novice
Are you sure you're a bard? You've more the poise of a milkmaid.	I grasp your error; suffering dumb beasts is a hazard in either trade.	Novice
You've all the charm of a Hagraven, and half the beauty.	Yet, my looks outshine your full attempt... may explain why you're so broody.	Novice
You're as cunning as a thrice-concussed troll.	You speak as an expert, as surely that's the only crowd you could enthrall.	Novice
My quips are as finely-crafted as an Elven blade!	What you call "quips", everyone else calls a spluttering tirade.	Novice
Your features are enough to turn a sweet roll sour.	Big words from someone whose mere presence makes children laugh, or cower.	Novice
Your appearance is so dull, it would ruin even the liveliest gathering.	Your ability to mix up me and yourself is truly staggering.	Novice
Your breath could fell a dragon at fifty paces.	With your odor, I don't think you qualify to judge others' social graces.	Novice
I would mock you, but your reflection did a better job than I ever could.	That's not a reflection, but a bust of yourself, carved of cheap wood.	Apprentice
You wouldn't know wisdom if it beat you with a mace.	Is that how you were taught such things? It would explain your face.	Apprentice
Your grace is that of a drunken giant.	I'd never partake in the volume of drink to which you are so reliant.	Apprentice
If frumpiness were golden, you'd be wealthier than the East Empire Company!	That's a rich statement from someone so slovenly.	Apprentice
Did you steal your apparel from a pile of trash? It suits you well.	I would never thieve clothes from your home! Think of the smell...	Journeyman
From the well of knowledge, it's clear you drink with a very small cup.	While your leaky mind forgets every drop that you sup!	Journeyman
You've all the shrewdness of a very confused goat.	I fear you're mistaken. That bleating you heard came from your own throat.	Journeyman
Even a Falmer could give you lessons in hygiene.	Better to learn from a Falmer than to mimic your grooming routine.	Journeyman
Throughout Skyrim, my deeds are legend in trend!	A legend, or a fabrication -- personally penned?	Adept
Your witticisms are so ancient, even Dwemer would consider them dated.	Your jabs are unrefined and juvenile; I won't be so easily baited.	Adept
You've all the allure of a festering laceration.	In time, hurts mend, while your lack of charm is a more permanent frustration.	Adept
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive...	Alas, that we can't all aspire for the misery to which you strive.	Adept
Do you always duel so poorly, or is today a special occasion?	I'm just going easy on you, so I may savor your humiliation!	Master
My tongue is a weapon, my wit a shield.	Then you're unarmed and defenseless... If I were you, I'd yield!	Master
Divines preserve me, your manners match a denizen of Oblivion!	The Divines have better taste than to indulge someone of your foolish opinion.	Master
You're about as welcome as a chaurus in my bedroll.	You really should be grateful for intimacy with any willing soul.	Master
My memory's perfect, never forget a face! But for you, I'll make an exception.	Did you forget? We've been over this already! I question your retention...	Legendary
Even a necromancer couldn't raise your reputation.	Speak from experience? For you, a dead audience is surely a common situation!	Legendary
A conversation with you is as enriching as stealing from an empty chest!	Mistaken, stupid, and a thief. I look forward to your arrest...	Legendary
Much like a good book, I'm well read, and full of words you've never spoken!	Tattered, worn, pages missing? No wonder your speech is so stuttered and broken!	Legendary
Your lineage is as dubious as a Nebarra's pledge!	You seem very "familiar" with outsiders, but there lie depths I dare not dredge.	Altmer
Your speech is so coarse, I mistook you for a goblin stablehand!	With your proclivity to such creatures it's easy to see how you'd misunderstand.	Altmer
Discourse with you is as odious as a Daedra in the Crystal Tower!	You overstate our banter. Just because you're losing is no reason to be so sour!	Altmer
You duel like a startled deer! All nerves, no finesse!	Can you blame me? Looking upon you could cause anyone distress!	Bosmer
Your existence is like a quiver full of blunted arrows... Pointless.	Call yourself a bard? With insults that bad soon your purse will be... Coinless!	Bosmer
You're as dense as the ever-shifting branches of the Valenwood.	Seems more a case of your own poor perception, in all likelihood.	Bosmer
Like Darius Shano, you are the epitome of an educated fool!	The nonsense you spout is truly staggering. Did you even attend a school?	Breton
Your taste in art is as refined as a Reachman's palate.	While your attempt to critique hits with the bruteish subtlety of a mallet.	Breton
You're as dim as a candle in the Prostitutes Guildhouse...	Given your frequent visits, I suppose you would know! I pity your spouse...	Breton
Your jibes are as graceful as a blind guar, stumbling through a marsh.	And you've all the intelligence of a nix-hound's gaze. ...Was that too harsh?	Dunmer
You're about as trustworthy as a felonious Ashlander in exile!	The only thing criminal here is your distinct lack of guile.	Dunmer
In social settings, even a netch has more tact than you!	That jab might sting if your own rapport didn't evoke the excitement of a queue.	Dunmer
A bard moves with elegance, poise. You move like a pregnant cow.	Comparing me to a beast of burden? I expected better from you, somehow...	Imperial
Your dramatics are as dreary as the Elder Council's platitudes.	And yet I still outperform you by at least several magnitudes.	Imperial
Tsk! From the Blackwood Company, I've seen better decorum!	Your standards are as lacking as theirs. My poise is peerless in any forum!	Imperial
Your presence is as tolerable as a Thalmor Justiciar visiting Windhelm!	Preferable to the welcome you'd receive -- one which would surely underwhelm.	Nord
You try to Shout your quips like a Greybeard, yet squeak like a skeever!	I accept no such judgment from a tone-deaf, weasel-faced underachiever!	Nord
Your attempts at verse are as elegant as a horker's belch.	*yawn* How droll. Do all your witticisms land with a lackluster squelch?	Nord
Your resolve falters! Malacath would not know if to laugh or cry!	The only thing testing my resolve is you -- otherwise, I've an ample supply.	Orsimer
If feebleness were a virtue, I'd recommend you be made a saint!	Hah! You believe others value your opinion?! How quaint.	Orsimer
Your "singing" could be mistaken for an ogre's mating call!	You're thinking of songs overheard from your parents while you were still small.	Orsimer
Your charm is as bountiful as a crop in the Alik'r Desert!	Whilst your insight is as shallow as the claim that you assert!	Redguard
You've all the honor of a thieving Alfiq in a bazaar!	Question my honor again, not even feline grace could save you from my scimitar!	Redguard
Your aura reeks of rot -- a stench only an Ash'abah could rival!	The only thing rotting here is the mind you've left idle.	Redguard

A special instance of the Duel of Wit is when challenging the "Grand Fool", the secret champion of the art. In this case, the challenger cannot insult the Fool, and must instead have the proper retorts to the Fool's insults. In addition, the insults are new, exclusive to this duel, so the player needs to find fitting retorts from their repertoire.

Insult	Retort	Rank
The quips I utter are just as stunning -- as the mouth from which they cascade.	What you call "quips", everyone else calls a spluttering tirade.	Novice
Ugh, you reek of ale! Without a doubt, you're every tavern's favorite client!	I'd never partake in the volume of drink to which you are so reliant.	Apprentice
I beg, do not sing! I cannot stand to hear you warble another sour note!	I fear you're mistaken. That bleating you heard came from your own throat.	Journeyman
So unkempt... Do you always present yourself in a manner so obscene?	Better to learn from a Falmer than to mimic your grooming routine.	Journeyman
Do your puerile performances always leave a crowd so sedated?	Your jabs are unrefined and juvenile; I won't be so easily baited.	Adept
Your voice is so grating, to hear it is a painful violation!	In time, hurts mend, while your lack of charm is a more permanent frustration.	Adept
I can only assume your sheer incompetence -- is an experiment in public irritation!	I'm just going easy on you, so I may savor your humiliation!	Master
Behold, and be amazed at the sheer amount of mental acuity that I wield!	Then you're unarmed and defenseless... If I were you, I'd yield!	Master
Even the gods would applaud the wit -- to which I hold such firm dominion!	The Divines have better taste than to indulge someone of your foolish opinion.	Master
I'm shocked you can even recall your own name, given your abysmal comprehension!	Did you forget? We've been over this already! I question your retention...	Legendary
Watch you perform?! I'd rather die than suffer such indignation!	Speak from experience? For you, a dead audience is surely a common situation!	Legendary
I would pilfer your Insults, but repeating them would have me lose this contest!	Mistaken, stupid, and a thief. I look forward to your arrest...	Legendary
I've a mind like an old compendium! Yours? Well, that's best left unspoken.	Tattered, worn, pages missing? No wonder your speech is so stuttered and broken!	Legendary